TromboneChat

This is true.

Last Saturday I went to a local music store to buy a bottle of slide-oil.
A resonator guitar (dobro) was on the counter for customers to try (and hopefully buy.)
[Resonator guitars make a bluegrass-country twanggy sound. You use a glass tube to push
the strings towards the fretboard while plucking a string.]

After paying for the slide-oil it was my turn to try the resonator guitar.
I was doing something right; I was able to get the the resonator guitar to growl. (Mr. Jerry Douglas,
a five-years-in-a-row award winner of "The best dobro player in the country" would have been proud!)

Meanwhile, more customers came to the counter to listen to my impromptu dobro recital. Some started dancing. Somebody asked,"How do you dc that?  That sound is awesome."  Others chimed in, "Right on."

The smart clerk grinned. He picked up the bottle of trombone slide-oil I had placed on the counter next to the dobro.  He said, "The trick is to use slide-oil."

A customer asked, "How much is the slide-oil?   Will it work as well with their child's violin?"

I started laughing so hard that I lost that magic touch that I had had for almost two minutes. 

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Hey trombone folks.  A year ago I resumed practicing trombone after a 38-year break.  This coming weekend I am going to attend a trombone festival at James Madison University in Harrisonburg VA!   

Jack Benny: You know what burns me up?  That make-up man dashes into MacMurray's dressing room, puts a little powder on his face and Fred is all set.

Then when he comes over to make me up, he takes off his coat, opens his bag and pulls out a blueprint!

- The JELL-O Show, January 30, 1938

I was at the hospital this morning, getting a colonoscopy (clean bill, btw  )
The receptionist asked, "are you Daniel right now?"
I said "yes", paused, and then said, "and I'll be Daniel later, too".
She wasn't amused--but the rest of the people in the waiting room chuckled.

Quote from: djdekok on Feb 19, 2014, 09:37AMI was at the hospital this morning, getting a colonoscopy (clean bill, btw  )
The receptionist asked, "are you Daniel right now?"
I said "yes", paused, and then said, "and I'll be Daniel later, too".
She wasn't amused--but the rest of the people in the waiting room chuckled.


No!  I said BUD light!!


8)

Quote from: djdekok on Feb 19, 2014, 09:37AMI was at the hospital this morning, getting a colonoscopy (clean bill, btw  )
The receptionist asked, "are you Daniel right now?"
I said "yes", paused, and then said, "and I'll be Daniel later, too".
She wasn't amused--but the rest of the people in the waiting room chuckled.


I worked for a consulting firm, one of whose consultants was named "Martin Van Buren."  We enjoyed hearing his name being paged so much, that we would call up the receptionist from our cell phones, and have her page other dead US Presidents as well, "Rutherford B. Hayes" being my personal favorite.

Quote from: Paul Martin on Feb 19, 2014, 12:27PM
I worked for a consulting firm, one of whose consultants was named "Martin Van Buren."  We enjoyed hearing his name being paged so much, that we would call up the receptionist from our cell phones, and have her page other dead US Presidents as well, "Rutherford B. Hayes" being my personal favorite.

  !!!

We are SCREWED!!!

http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/sochi-olympics/high-stakes-hockey-canada-vs-usa-loser-keeps-bieber-n35041



Sigh.....

Quote from: bonearzt on Feb 21, 2014, 11:36AMWe are SCREWED!!!

http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/sochi-olympics/high-stakes-hockey-canada-vs-usa-loser-keeps-bieber-n35041



Sigh.....

Not if you're Canada...

Jack Benny had Travoltafication before Travoltafication was cool...

http://www.youtube.com/v/XEIkbfzPUu4

Received in a forwarded email, all serial numbers carefully removed...
 
I think I get it...  or not...  maybe...
 
=========================
Subject: Fwd: an interview with huxtable p. downes, jazz columnist for the gold coast bulletin.
 
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
 
Dude: I can't but I will.  90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other
half is the part people play while others are playing something they never
played with anyone who played that part.
So, if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it
might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right,
its wrong.
 
Interviewer: I don't understand.
 
Dude: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. Its
too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
 
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
 
Dude: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know
anything about it.
 
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
 
Dude: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead except for the
ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, the ones that are
still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill
for it.
 
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
 
Dude: That's when the note you should hear now happens either before or
after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because
that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz,
but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
 

This joke is so old, it was referenced in "The Sting" as a joke that was already painfully old in the 1930's... but I've only heard it today:

QuoteAn old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.

Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie.

Sitting next to him are two old women. The one closest to the old guy nudges her companion and whispers, "Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Her companion whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

"I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!!"

Neither of these jokes quite fits the topic heading:

A guy sits down at a lunch counter and asks for a cup of coffee without cream. The waitress says, "Sorry, we don't have cream--would you like it without milk?"

An attractive woman walked into a bar and said, "Give me an entendre, and make it a double." The guy really GAVE it to her.

Quote from: Piano man on Oct 23, 2014, 12:43AM
A guy sits down at a lunch counter and asks for a cup of coffee without cream. The waitress says, "Sorry, we don't have cream--would you like it without milk?"


New Yorker variation on that...

One pretending-to-be-rich woman to another: "Last year we didn't go to Rio but this year we're not going to Cannes"

Halloween...

Outstanding!

The "The Late Show" band trombone player (Tom  Malone) tops Dave.

Skip ahead to about 1:15...

http://www.youtube.com/v/5LBRuHKcozg

Tom Lehrer's beloved Hanukkah song, now arranged for mass gay choir...


http://www.youtube.com/v/MehTnsDVvU4

It's quite subtle...

Conductor disappointed by horn players during his last concert

Quote from: robcat2075 on Dec 24, 2014, 03:56PMTom Lehrer's beloved Hanukkah song, now arranged for mass gay choir...


http://www.youtube.com/v/MehTnsDVvU4

How would I transcribe this for a choir comprised of mostly heterosexual men?

Quote from: Paul Martin on Jan 05, 2015, 11:03AMHow would I transcribe this for a choir comprised of mostly heterosexual men?

In the unlikely event of encountering such an ensemble I think you would delete the hand gestures.

I finally figured out what middle age is:
You're old enough to put your parents in a home, and your kids are old enough to put you in a home! 

9 pictures of cats on glass tables taken from below

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6994763/18-kids-who-definitely-bested-their-teachers/page:4

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6994763/18-kids-who-definitely-bested-their-teachers/page:8

Do you like painting?

You'll love the Bob Ross of Japan

https://www.youtube.com/v/_dZ3J02UAGs

Q-What's the difference between?:

1) A trombonist squashed on the road
2) A skunk squashed on the road

A-The skunk was probably on his way to a gig.

Q-What's the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A-On and Off

Q-Why do people play trombone?
A-They can't read music and use their fingers at the same time

Q-What is another name for the Trombone?
A-The Wamopa - Wind activated, manually operated pitch approximator

Q-What do you call a trombonist with a regular gig?
A-A clarinet player

Q-What does a trombonist do to prepare his car for a hot date?
A-He takes the Dominoes Pizza sign off the roof.

Ok, so when I lived on Ft Bragg, deployment was a constant thing on everyone's mind. There are a lot of spouses that are home alone or with kids, worrying about their deployed spouse. And it's really sad.

So: my wife and I were out for a walk and we heard a woman talking. There never was a response so we assumed she was on the phone. She sounded distressed.

"Stop... just stop. You're making it so difficult."

Then

"Why are you so unstable? Just listen to me. Help me out for just a second here"

We were pretty concerned because she sounded upset and we were whispering about how her husband must not be communicating enough while deployed or that they were going through a rough patch.

We rounded the corner and she came into view.

"Stop being so unstable!"

She had her dog on it's hind legs, with its front paws on her shoulders. She was trying to put a doggie coat on it... a dog on it's hind legs is really not stable at all. He was loving the attention and had that sort of dumb, "I love you so much" dog expression on.

We couldn't stop laughing.

I did have a really good joke I heard yesterday. Tubad I forgot it! 

Hahaha 
I was always told that laughing was contagious

Quote from: Mr.Xerneas on Jan 23, 2016, 09:33PMI did have a really good joke I heard yesterday. Tubad I forgot it! 
Lol that always happens to me too

Quote from: trombone addict on Mar 15, 2013, 10:58PMGo to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 

I did this. Said I was a tough guy and did not need the handle.

Quote from: Whitbey on Nov 26, 2016, 10:25AMI did this. Said I was a tough guy and did not need the handle.

Excellent!

Off the subject a bit, has anyone else cut the handle really short and rounded it off and used it that way?

[edit]
I mean as a mute, not as a plumber's friend.

Soviet-era joke found on a piano forum...

"The joke has to do with a little symbol called 'znak kachestva' or 'the mark of quality'. It's a little pentagon with, as I recall an anvil and the letters CCCP. Good solid, commie symbol. It appears on the underside of nearly every Soviet-era consumer product. To those familiar with Soviet-era consumer goods, it is considered something like a "Mr. Yuk" sticker.





So the joke goes:

The Delegates are wandering in to the chamber of the U.N. Suddenly, someone lets out a gasp. *Gasp!* There is a large piece of excrement on the table at the center of the room. Whispering ensues with speculation as to whose excrement it might be. The denials start immediately!

The American delegate says, "well, it can't possibly be American...it's not big enough."

The German delegate says, "it is not German, it is not perfectly round."

The British delegate says, "it certainly is not British, it is not the correct color."

The French delegate says, "I am sure it is not French as it does not have the proper odor."

The Russian delegate picks up the piece of excrement, looks at the underside and says, "it is not Russian, it does not have the mark of quality."

When You Are Over Seventy

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.

I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”

Cost me 6 stitches… but, when you’re over seventy... who cares?



Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Lady Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…"

When you’re over seventy… who cares?

I'm sure this has been seen on the forum several times before, but to bring back some laughs...

Mnozil Brass' Lonely Boy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYRMbj6U2Ww

You can skip to 3:53 if you don't want to watch the intro

All the members of the company's Board of Directors
were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other
four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table,
which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with
a stern voice, he asked,       
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt,
anytime, anywhere,"I nsisted Ted.

"Good. Then you fire her."

http://www.physics-astronomy.com/2017/04/hubble-just-spotted-something-massive.html?m=1#.WSHKiSMpBnF

On the contrary, had they worded it any differently, how much less attention would it have received!

   LOVE?

           
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
           
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
           
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
           
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
           
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
           
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
           
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
             
           
1. Who the hell is this?             
           
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
             
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
                         
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
             
5. I don't understand what you mean..
             
6. What the hell did you do now?
             
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
             
8) Am I dreaming?
             
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will                  die.
             
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day..
                         
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Smoking causes cancer, right? We all could come down with colon cancer from all the political smoke the media is blowing up our collective ass.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIlNIVXpIns

Know Your Tools!

 
SKILLSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
 
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh ****’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
 
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A ***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a *****’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

One of these is not like the others...




(Boxers of various nations at the 1932 Olympics)

Quote from: robcat2075 on Yesterday at 08:41 PMOne of these is not like the others...




(Boxers of various nations at the 1932 Olympics)

The guy in the lower right is wearing Nike Airmaxes from the late 90's.

And speaking of time travellers :

When your friend isn't into your tunes...

https://www.youtube.com/v/CEQuDyuQFKE

https://youtu.be/CEQuDyuQFKE

MY wife asked me to hand her the Chapstick. I accidentally handed her a glue stick.

She hasn't spoken to me in days.

My wife asked me to hand her the Chap Stick but I accidentally handed her the Gorilla Glue instead.

She hasn't spoken to me in weeks.